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Monday, 28 March 2011

Is this me?

My face is reminiscent of a beachball. This is partly due to the fact I had a wisdom tooth wrenched out last Monday and partly due to the fact that, despite this, I still managed to continue bingeing and purging each evening since last Tuesday. Like an idiot. I fear I have managed to rip the stitches apart and breed an infection in the now exposed socket. Well done me.
I see how well I set myself up to binge each night. It's a given that I will. Yeah, so I have my two slices of toast and coffee for breakfast and then.......nothing, nil, zip, nada for the rest of the day up until 6pm. 6pm is teatime or, more correctly: binge-time. This has been going on, relentlessly, for years. Day in, day out. Sure, I've attempted to add things in during the day because, hell, I know I'm physiologically setting myself up to binge if I don't eat. Nevermind the fucking-up-ness of my mental state.
 For God's sake, it's not exactly rocket science is it??!
 So why has nothing else stuck? It's as if all of my motivation and energy were used up in the 5 years it took to eventually get the breakfast in place securely enough to be able to now say it's habitual. 5 years of in-ing and out-ing from IP. 5 years of experimentation and mentally bullying myself, coaxing myself and talking myself into that fact that breakfast is essential to break the fast of night!! It's as if now, well..frankly I'm knackered. The urgency to keep battling on to "recovery" has waned with the harsh reality of just how difficult this war is going to be to win. It's not so much that I see time stretching out before me as one long battle..As much as it is the fact I see time stretching out before me as one long battle..WITH NO END.
*Sigh* but then, I feel like that now; in this moment because (rationally) I'm undernourished, lonely, overwhelmed and so, it, that I guess it's hardly surprising that I can't see the wood for the trees. I think I've hit a place (and maybe - "maybe"??? Ffs..Er yeah, duh, there is no "maybe"- I hit this place a long while ago) where I have to turn my life upside down and rally an army behind me and let that army take some of the flak; allow them to help me.
Oh, for the love of God: What am I saying??? Well, I'll tell you: Nothing that I've not said a hundred times before.
Help me. Go away. Help me. Go away. Help me .Go away.....DON'T HELP ME, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP. I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP. GO THE FUCK AWAY!!! OH SHIT...I didn't mean it..please, I need you to help me, I can't do this on my own. I can't do this. I'm scared. NO. I am. I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

It's that contradiction of giving up control to be able to take control back. It gets me every bloody time. Folk bang on about taking responsibility for your own life and your own actions etc...and then in the next breath they're saying "so we'll put you on 1:1 observations and watch you in the bathroom and make sure you're not doing anything you shouldn't be doing (you naughty little girl). You'll jolly well eat everything that's put in front of you and if you go off in a strop we'll bring you back and sit with you until you eat it all up like a good little girl". Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh I can't stand it!!! I end up feeling so patronised I could kill!!! But. But...oh fuck. What's the alternative? It makes me feel like the shit on someone's shoe, but...if I can't do this for myself, then...what's the fucking ALTERNATIVE?? Well, one I can think of. Death. Can't say that's wholly appealing either. Because that, well, that's a pretty huge failure. And although I directly might feel a whole lot better being six feet under, my much loved ones -namely, my Mum- would be destroyed: the worst possible outcome...Shit. So that leads my thoughts onto the road to nowhere that is: "do I, therefore, not love my Mum enough to go through whatever it is I need to go through in order to be "well"?"..Like I said, this is a road to nowhere and a particularly unfruitful road at that. Even I can see that (or at least I think I can...or maybe I don't want to recognise this as truth??..Oh shut up head!).

Do you know (I think you may have noticed) that I've just emotionally vomited straight onto the page (if it were physically a paper page and I were physically writing this blog that would have been a better analogy, but get the drift).

I meant to have a wee whinge about my toothy woes and instead went off on one there a bit didn't I?....Hmm  aaaaaaaaaand breeeeeeeeathe. Hoooooo-kay.

I'm just feeling really raw at the moment. Exposed. Vulnerable. At my instigation K and I have been looking at alternative treatment options. I mentioned the unit in Bierley in a previous post which includes MBT as an aspect of treatment and is not a specialist ED unit as such. I also have beside me here the handbook for the Acorn programme. This is run by The Retreat at York. Both of these would be inpatient options and are purely ideas. Whether or not I would get the funding to attend either is an entirely different thing.
K broached the subject of PEG feeding with me at our last session. Essentially I'd be fed via a tube inserted directly into my stomach for as long as it took for my weight to reach a point at which I'd be deemed more physiologically stable and -in theory- would be more capable of making use of psychological treatments and more physically able to tolerate medication (E.g. I cannot currently be prescribed quetiapine as an outpatient because of the high risk of it affecting my heart). I am dubious and expressed this at the time. At which point K admitted that she too was dubious and said that it might be an option if I could be sedated throughout the process, but otherwise it might be too traumatic for me to manage. I imagine she is correct in her assessment, as I have visions of  me ripping out the tube, completely ignoring the fact that I might cause myself serious internal damage. I have done many stupid things in flashes of hyper-irrationality before, all in a bid to ease unabating anxiety.
K then went on to say that they could not sedate me for so long because of the physical risk. She does not think my body would hold out. So that solidly put the scuppers on that idea. Frankly, I was not keen on the idea of coming around one day and suddenly finding I had put on 4 stones, so not a massive loss in the idea stakes I feel! I'm unable to imagine how I would feel at such a point, as it is..unimaginable!

I know I'm not at all safe here. Living on my own in my flat. I know I don't reach out enough or ask for help enough. I'm really bottoming out here. I don't even feel able to consistently push for any of the options that K and I discuss. Partly because my motivation is so transient and partly -mostly- because I feel I do not deserve it. I mean, I can give no guarantees to anybody that the help they give me will be successful. Just a glance at my track record would be enough to confirm this. As much as folk have said to me in the past "well, maybe it's just not the right time for you yet" or "maybe you're just not ready/at that stage, yet", I can't help but think they were just trying to pacify me. Of course they were. Even K has used the now infamous "not ready, yet" line on me. I've got to say, I really don't think it works like that. I can not foresee the day when I will have gathered enough motivation/perseverance (call it what you will) to keep me going long enough to, firstly, get to a "safe" weight, secondly get to a "heathy" weight, thirdly maintain that and, crucially build a life without the eating disorder and starting from scratch. Oh yeah, and then maintaining that newly built life and not falling back into ED...and that's all before thinking about stuff like a career, a family..blah blah blah.... I think I need to stop thinking about the end result and just look at the next little step. Maybe. I don't know anymore. I've looked at this from a million angles and I never know if what I'm doing is for the best. If I'm honest, I know that sometimes the attempts I make at moving forward are merely a facade...It looks like I'm making progress therefore I must be making progress...right?

Oh dear, I'm so confused. I'm not really "with it". This is crushing me. This.. this.. THIS!! Oh fuck..I don't even know what "this" is anymore!! Is it me?? Is it something external? It feels like me, it looks like me, it thinks like me...Surely it just IS ME??? THIS IS ME!!!

Enough for today, I think. Somebody find the "off" switch and turn me off for God's sake.

I feel like a beached whale.


  1. "Help me. Go away. Help me. Go away." -- I'm not going to force my help on you, as people tend not to like that, but I'm still around, if you're interested in the talking/etc.

    I sadly didn't get to know you well enough what with school and such when you -were- posting, though MC has since opened himself up slightly (sharing pictures and making a FB--who'da'thunk it?).

    "I know I don't reach out enough or ask for help enough. I'm really bottoming out here. I don't even feel able to consistently push for any of the options that K and I discuss." + "I mean, I can give no guarantees to anybody that the help they give me will be successful." + "I can't help but think they were just trying to pacify me. Of course they were"

    ...the fact that you recognize your current status as something worth asking for help about indicates that progress has been made from some state of being. Don't give up on it and delve back into "acceptance."

    "I feel like a beached whale." :Poke: but a whale could swim from the UK to the US... Hope the rat's doing all right, too. :)

  2. Hi. I've been starting to read through your blog and I find your writing style fascinating, but I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. I'll write a more coherent response after I've read a bit more! ;-)

  3. Matt, Hi :) Aww, it's SO nice to hear from you m'dear.
    I kinda felt Xanga had put up with enough of my whingeing (because I know I had!), hence the move to my new abode *swishy hand gesture* you can see, neat not gaudy!..though the whingeing is still a prominent bad. But there's hope too..I think I'm in some kind of transition, maybe. Psychologically, with the whole eating/anxiety business..anyway, we'll see.
    And yeeeesssss! I know - MC's and everything!! I keep up with him on facebook (as in sneak a peek at what he's up to every now and then, throwing in a random quip for good measure)and was glad to hear that HI had been saved the destructive force of the earthquake and ensuing tsunami. But yeah, pictures?? Indeed, who'da'thunk?? (lol - I like that expression :) little ratty, Rufus had to be put out of his misery in the fact that must be about a year ago now. He takes pride of place in my ol'folk's garden (as I sadly do not have one) where we planted him along with a flower on he'll bloom every year :)

    Yeah, a whale could swim from the UK to the US..but I'm beached!! Lol..Cheers for that, it made me laugh! In fact when I started writing this post that was the first line I wrote..and then decided it was a bit pathetic..and forgot to delete it when I finished! Which is why it now sits randomly there at the bottom like it just came from nowhere! It made me laugh when I saw I'd left it in, so it stays :D

    Yeah, you really touched me today, thanks for dropping in :)
    I'll swan over to your Xanga later, but I hope you're ok and well and still doing the crazy I recall you are a bit of a maestro..?
    Take care Matt xXx...I'm off to vaseline up and throw myself into the Atlantic..US here I ;D

  4. Hi Karita :) Thanks for stopping by, and welcome - do make yourself at home :)

  5. Is this Me?
    You are the most unique, witty, awesome, loveable, unrighteous, moral, straight talking; intelligent young lady that I know!
    If you need some "space" I have several spare bedrooms (or you could share the stables with the sheep/ peacocks and many un-introduced ratty freinds - A train ride ... a place to hide! The offer is there and always open.....Jammy

  6. Jammy!! It is YOU!..You made me cry ya bugger! Maybe it's "hormones"
    Oh how I love you (yup, hormones ;)) and your shiny peacocks *claps delightedly*..Bless you, you are too kind..I may have to take up several rooms now though, as my head has just swelled to mammoth proportions thanks to you and your loveliness! Seriously(ish) though, I'd choose the barn option..I need some more rats in my life..perhaps that's part of the problem!
    I should print off the .."unique, witty.." bit and attach it to somewhere I look at frequently..saaay, the fridge door for example (oops, bad humour..).
    Dear, dear friend...thankyou, you've made my day :) Suddenly this blog seems more homely just for you having dropped by. It's a bit stark at the moment isn't it? I've not got around to furnishing it yet. Actually, I tell you, it doesn't seeem as simple as Xanga..although, that could just be me being a!
    Aww..I do hope you're ok m'dear. And d. And your gorgeous menagerie (inc. hubby!). You're often in my thoughts. I did say, I think, that this year we should meet up (why did the phrase "blind leading the blind" just spring to mind? Lol)..It gives me something to work with though: Q. Want to see Jammy? A. Get arse out of hibernation mode!
    Lovely, lovely you :) Thankyou! (did someone put something in my tea?..ooh..paranoia!).
    *Hugs* xXx

  7. Ah my sweet sweet friend. I can feel the hopelessness and almost despair oozing from my computer screen. I understand it SO well. The feeling of not knowing what to do, because you don't particularly want to stay where you are, but actually changing your behaviours seems so daunting. and then there is the possiblilty of death, but like you said; that is, in essence, failing... and would hurt your loved ones immensely. Of course none of these reasonings make you feel any better, leaving you in a position of being/feeling completely stuck.

    I wish I could come and hug you and give you the strength to let go of this disorder which has plagued you for far too long. But unfortuntately I am stuck here, unable to do anything other than give you words of support and love.

    I really do hope that things start looking up for you. perhaps something will actually go your way for once. We can live in hope,
    all my love xxxxx <3